


Of One's Choice

by dracoqueen22



Series: Close to Home [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 2 (Critical Role), ClayLeb Week 2019, Developing Relationship, During Episode 57, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-23 21:29:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21326974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracoqueen22/pseuds/dracoqueen22
Summary: Caduceus doesn’t know what to call this fluttering sensation when Caleb is around, but he supposes he’ll have to pay attention to it.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Caleb Widogast
Series: Close to Home [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1535528
Comments: 2
Kudos: 94





	Of One's Choice

**Author's Note:**

> For Clayleb Week, technically a fill for day four, but next in the fic chronology so posted today. I only vaguely remembered episode 57 when I wrote this, so some in-canon details may be a little iffy.

“Mr. Clay, if I might borrow you for a moment?”

It was Caleb asking, and that would have been enough, but there was an urgency in Caleb’s tone which rose the fine hairs on the back of Caduceus’ neck. Caduceus paused a few steps behind Fjord, and turned back toward Caleb, who stood in the hallway, fingers just shy of wringing together.

Lines of worry creased Caleb’s face, his eyes dark and shadowed. He still wore the pretend slave-gear, and the sight of it made Caduceus frown.

He didn’t like it.

“Of course,” Caduceus said. Anxiety rippled off Caleb in waves, and Caduceus swore he could taste the sour reek of it. “What can I do for you?”

“Um.” Caleb inched toward the door of his room, hand on the knob. “In private?” he asked, and he curled in, away from Caduceus, as if he expected immediate rejection.

For someone who had only recently boldly declared himself a friend of the Dynasty and an enemy of the Empire, who had done the only thing he could to save their lives, his behavior now seemed frighteningly meek.

Perhaps he was unwell.

“Sure,” Caduceus said. He handed his staff and shield to Fjord. “Put these on my bed for me?”

“No problem, Deucey.” Fjord’s forehead furrowed, and he glanced past Caduceus to Caleb before lowering his voice. “He all right?”

Once could take Captain Tusktooth from the sea, but couldn’t take the captain out of the half-orc. It was sweet of Fjord to worry.

“I guess we’ll see.” Caduceus patted Fjord on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him.”

“Like you always do.” Fjord chuckled and slipped into their room. By the time Caduceus turned back toward Caleb, the wizard had already vanished into his room, though he’d left the door ajar in obvious invitation.

Caduceus still knocked with polite forewarning before he eased inside. It was a small room in comparison to the others, and he wondered if Caleb would be lonely, rooming by himself when so accustomed to sharing with Nott.

Caleb was in the midst of fumbling with the straps of the leatherwork around his body, his fingers trembling. He cursed under his breath, and Caduceus read his agitation in a glance.

"Here. Let me help," he said.

Caleb's face turned red, but he nodded and dropped his hands. "Thank you," he said. "I think they are tighter than they look."

Caduceus wisely chose not to mention the fact Caleb's hands were probably shaking too much to be of use.

"Thanks to you, none of us need worry about wearing something like this again," Caduceus said as he eased the leather bands away from Caleb, and tossed them into a corner. They skidded and slid under the bed.

Probably for the best.

"Yes. Thanks to me." A storm danced in Caleb’s eyes, furrowed his brow, twisted his lips into a severe frown. "I worry I have made a grievous error. I know I did what was best at the time for our survival, yet I can't help but think I have betrayed everything."

Caduceus tilted his head. "Everything is a broad term. You can't betray everything, otherwise you've betrayed nothing."

An exhale burst out of Caleb, his eyes flicking sharp toward Caduceus before finding the floor more fascinating.

"My parents. All I've been taught. The people in the Empire." Caleb slipped away from Caduceus like a skittish animal and began to pace in small measures, back and forth, back and forth. "I have given a mighty weapon to the Dynasty."

"You've returned something that belonged to them in the first place," Caduceus corrected.

Caleb raked his hands through his hair, barely visible scars rising white and pink from his bared arms as his sleeves fell back. "And I have aligned us, myself, with the Dynasty who are even now attacking my people."

"But are they your people?"

Caleb looked at him. "Of course they are."

Caduceus hummed. He’d given this a lot of thought, given their long, long trek from Felderwin to Xhorhas, and all they’d experienced while meandering toward Rosohna. "You know every person in the Empire? They deserve to die less than the people of Xhorhas?"

"That is not... I mean..."

Caduceus understood Caleb's anxiety, his dilemma. "It's war. I don't pretend to understand how the politics of big countries work, but I do know, neither side is really right or wrong, and the ones who are going to suffer the most, are the people who don't make the decisions in the first place."

Caleb's frantic pacing stopped.

Good. This was progress.

"You saved our lives, I'm pretty sure. Or at least, kept us out of prison. We got what we came here for, which is Yeza, and we're free. We can choose where to go from here. That, I think, is the worth the price we paid."

"There are people in the Empire who would think differently," Caleb said, but he started to draw, deep, steadying breaths.

"Probably," Caduceus conceded. "But I don't want to die for them."

Caleb looked at the ground, his face pinched in thought. His hands pulled in and out of fists before he abruptly shucked his coat, throwing it on the bed, leaving him in his shirt and his book holsters. He ran his fingers over the holsters themselves, chewing on his bottom lip.

"And your, uh, your god? She feels the same way?" Caleb asked.

"I’m sure she prefers me alive, but the gods don't really pick a side in these kinds of things," Caduceus said. "Not mortal politics, I mean." He paused and looked up at the ceiling, trying to put his thoughts in order by staring at something which wouldn’t distract him. "Though I guess if she really did disapprove, she'd let me know." He lowered his gaze again.

Caleb nodded slowly, like was absorbing the information and adding it to his calculations about whether or not he'd done a good thing. Caduceus was of the mind that since they'd managed to walk away with Yeza, their lives, and their freedom, it was the absolute best outcome. A calculated risk that ended in their favor.

If they wanted, they could teleport to Nicodranas and never set foot in the Dynasty again. They had options now, when before they were in chains and running out of them.

"Isn't it strange?" Caduceus said, after a moment. "Months ago, you all took something in Zadash, and you've been keeping it with you, and now, months later, you've given it back to its proper owners, saved your own lives in the process, and are in a position to make a difference."

"Strange, yes. Highly coincidental." Caleb gave Caduceus a strange look, eyes narrowed in thought, fingers still tracing the length of the leather. "You think this is the destiny I have? Or all of us?"

Caduceus shrugged. "I don't know. Destiny is a weird thing, Mr. Caleb. We still have a choice, I think, but certain things are set in our path, and it's up to us what to do with them."

And sometimes, that was the wrong choice, if his family’s gradual vanishing, and his own guilt were any indication. Caduceus had seen the path, and assumed it wasn’t meant for him, and it wasn’t until the Mighty Nein showed up that he realized how very wrong he’d been.

Caleb sighed and seemed to deflate. “In the end, it’s better to have lived, _ja_?”

“That’s my opinion.”

Caleb offered a half-smile, a relieved one, and the rest of his agitation whooshed out of him. He sank onto the edge of the bed like someone had cut his strings, his hair falling into his face. He braced his elbows on his knees and exhaled loudly, shoulders sinking.

“Thank you,” Caleb said. “I think I needed to hear that.”

Caduceus moved closer, and kneeled down in front of Caleb so that he could look at the wizard without either of them having to be awkward about it. Caleb had seemed so certain of his decision earlier, after the fact, it felt like a gift to see Caleb’s uncertainty now, as if he was only willing to trust Caduceus with this weakness.

“We spent weeks on a ship for Fjord. We risked a return trip to Nicodranas to get Jester to her mother. We came all the way to Xhorhas for Nott’s family,” Caduceus said, careful to keep his tone gentle. “So I’m pretty sure we’re all behind you for this, and whatever else you might need, or any of us need in the future.”

Red spread across the bridge of Caleb’s nose, traveling to the tips of his ears. His gaze fell away, as though he couldn’t meet Caduceus’ eyes. “I am unused to having others to rely on, Mr. Clay,” he said. “I think you underestimate how much we have needed you.”

Caduceus chuckled. “Maybe I did. Fortunately, the Wildmother didn’t. She put you in my path, or put me in yours, and here we are, exactly where I need to be. But it’s still nice to hear it.”

Nice to know it as well. There were times Caduceus doubted his own convictions, doubted himself as a member of their group. They had come together before they met him, and fitting into the empty spaces in the Mighty Nein had been a slow, awkward process.

Sometimes, he worried he did not belong.

And then there were times like this. Times where Caleb leaned on him or one of the others sought his counsel, and Caduceus thanked Melora for putting him exactly where he needed to be. So maybe, delaying his journey hadn’t been entirely for naught. Or maybe she’d found a way to make it work.

Caduceus supposed he’d never know for sure.

Caleb’s mouth lifted in a half-smile. “You are very much welcome here, and I, for one, am glad you are one of us.” He drew in a slow, steady breath. “But look at me, jabbering on. You need your rest as much as I do, ja? Don’t let me keep you.”

“I am pretty tired,” Caduceus admitted, because it had been a long, stressful day. “Anytime you need to talk, though, I’m willing to listen.”

“And the same to you, my friend. Thank you,” Caleb said, and offered him a full smile, perhaps not with the radiance of one of Jester’s grins, but a genuine smile nonetheless.

Caduceus’ heart did that odd fluttering sensation again. Like a horde of butterflies had taken up residence in his thorax and flitted around, tickling his ribs.

“Anytime.” Caduceus patted Caleb on the knee and stood, taking his exit from the room, closing the door gently behind him.

For a moment, he paused before returning to the room he shared with Fjord. He closed his eyes and whispered a quiet prayer to Melora, to protect Caleb’s dreams tonight and offer him some reassurance, if it was at all within her power.

She responded not with words, but with a warm breeze on the back of his neck. She’d watch out for all of them.

Caduceus returned to the room, slipping quietly inside so as not to bother Fjord, but it was for moot. Fjord was still awake, and he called out to Caduceus the moment the door clicked shut.

“Caleb all right?” Fjord asked.

“Nothing to worry about,” Caduceus said as he pulled off his armor and everything he didn’t need to sleep.

“I don’t blame him,” Fjord said as he tucked his arms behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. “We’re in over our heads in the worst way. Think I’d be freaking out, too, if I was him. Nice of ya to look after ‘im though. Help calm him down. He listens to you.”

“Does he?” Caduceus asked as he sat on the edge of the bed, forehead furrowed.

“Fuck I think we all do.” Fjord scratched at his chest before slinging his arm over his eyes. “Douse the lantern, will you?”

“Of course.”

Caduceus extinguished the lantern and climbed into bed, tucking himself beneath a blanket that smelled the same as any other inn he’d slept at, despite being miles and miles away. It was fascinating how some things were the same, while others were different. Here, his feet didn’t hang off the edge, so that was a nice change.

“Night, Deucey.”

“Good night, Fjord.”

The bed rustled as Fjord turned over on his side. Caduceus stared into the dark, thinking oddly about Caleb as sleep tried to claim him.

Caleb, standing before the Bright Queen, offering the dodecahedron in a desperate bid to protect them all. Caleb, afraid but determined, dirtied and wrapped in leather, his voice rising above the noise and clamor.

Caleb, small and uncertain, looking to Caduceus for reassurance.

Caleb, smiling quietly, reassuring Caduceus in return, even if he didn’t know it.

His heart thumped wildly in his chest. Caduceus pressed his palm over it. He wasn’t sure what it meant, only that it happened around Caleb a lot.

Maybe the Wildmother was trying to tell him something.

He supposed he’d just have to listen a little harder.

****

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is greatly welcome and appreciated.


End file.
